I miss The Old Days. I miss being in my first raiding guild, Unified, and being there for all the glass chewing. I joined when they were partway through Blackwing Lair, and had managed to down the third boss, the Broodlord.
I was there for the first kill of Firemaw. I was there for the first kill of Ebonroc, and Flamegore, and Chromaggus, and Nefarian. I was also present for the first deaths of Skeram, the bug trio, Sartura, and Fankriss. We raided four nights a week and still didn’t mow through things quickly, or easily. It required effort and teamwork, and we bonded over it. The only reason I missed Huhu and the Twin Emps is because I was forcibly dragged out of the country and stuck at my parents house for a month. And you know what?
I didn’t like that. I felt like I was missing out on the experience of figuring things out with my guildmates, like I was being cheated of the ah-ha! moment and the rush of excitement that comes when you figure it out for the first time. When I then missed out on every…single…first downing of a boss in Kara, I felt…disenchanted. Disillusioned. Cut off from a bonding process with my guild mates.
So how do I feel in BoO Ulduar Group 2, the group that only downed the Loot Mobile? Was I happy that Group 1 downed Razorscale in one shot, XT in 2, and also got Ignis down? Did I rejoice at seeing Hot Pocket achievements pop on my screen as I sat in a Naxx25 pug after G2’s raid last night failed to happen?
Honestly? No. I felt hurt, and jealous. I don’t give a shit about loot. I want purples only because they help me help the group. I raid to raid with friends, to joke around, to work on things with them. So when my raid crumbles and I’m bored and I can’t go console myself with cuddles because my boyfriend is in Ulduar I sit there and stew a little. I’m upset because a few errors in judgement on other officer’s parts ended up with group 2 having a less than optimal set up, errors I could not compensate for. I can’t force myself to suddenly know how to tweak strats just so for our raids. I can’t suddenly make everyone pay attention to Warla and myself. I’ve never had the backbone to be a truly effective raid leader, which is why I always kept around someone to be my enforcer for a reason. So not only am I saddled with disappointment, but I’m weighed down with a sense of personal failure as well. Steve tried to balance it, but he unwittingly robbed me of the support structure I need to be truly effective by separating me from both Josh and Ron.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be there next week and since I’ve seen the stuff already I’ll walk you all through it!” says my marvelous and wondrous Josh.
But…that’s…not what I want.
I don’t want to be walked through it. I wanted to be there the first time. There’s a distinct lack of glass in my diet, and I miss it. Naxx was…fun, in its own right, but that was more like gnawing on Styrofoam.
Am I destined to be in the trailing group now? Will Ulduar Group 2 be the same as Naxx Group 2, which always limped along in the shadow of the first, never even clearing the instance before we tackled 25s?
If so, why the hell am I here?