Why There Are No Tanks

Do you know why there are no tanks?  Do you know why the wait on my lowbie DPS toons is 30+ minutes for a group? 


Hey you, elemental shaman!  Yeah you with the mother fucking chain lightning of O HAI I R SHAMAN TANK.  CUT IT THE FUCK OUT.  Especially on mobs I HAVEN’T EVEN TOUCHED YET.  You have BoA gear, that means you have an 80.  This means that you should know that pulling mobs the tank hasn’t touched yet is FUCKING STUPID and just a wee bit rude.  You know my AoE taunt, as a bear?  It takes RAGE.  I generate less rage when I’m chasing you and your new friends around then when I pull them and get hit, okay?  What the fuck. 

Don’t “lol it’s just a low level instance” at me.  What are you going to do when your poor tank hits 80?  Oh that’s right, berate them for not knowing how to tank, BECAUSE YOU HAD TO BE TARDBUCKETS LEVELING UP AND DIDN’T EVEN LET THEM TRY TO DO IT RIGHT.

I’m going tree, assholes.  Fuck you.

…why yes, this has been a healer blog with a lot of tank rage going on lately.  That’s part of the problem of altitis, of course.  Also, healing is inherently different from tanking.  In healing, stupid DPS can make my life harder, to be sure…but stupid DPS can make tanking well nigh impossible.   Haet.  Haet so muuuuuch.

So yes, the drood will get transferred, dual specced into tree, and handed BoA gear.  Then I will heal by WAVING MY ARMS YAY.   Then you’ll hear more about being a tree and a shamananan…and I’ll try to squeeze out some more disc specific stuff for ICC.   Why, we go into ICC25 man tonight!  zomg!

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  1. #1 by Kotakh on January 27, 2010 - 3:22 pm

    Dont you dare come in a steal my tree gear!

  2. #2 by MoodylonerDK on January 27, 2010 - 3:24 pm

    You go into ICC 25 tonight? Gratz!

    Just, don’t, umm, fall off Orgrim’s Hammer.

    No, no reason, just sayin’.

  3. #3 by Matojo on January 27, 2010 - 3:25 pm

    I’m noticing this and trying to take as laid back approach as possible.

    “Hold off on the AoE. I don’t generate rage as quickly at this level as I will later on, so I need time to gain aggro. We aren’t 80 yet.”

    ‘Course I go against EVERYTHING I TELL PEOPLE and forget to let the stupid AoE-happy DPS die. I need to edit my tank macro.

    “/p Hi, i’m your tank for today. Remember this: 1) My threat isn’t as front-loaded as other tanks, so I need 5 seconds to grab aggro. 2) You spank it, you tank it. 3) Does the healer have mana? I’m pulling.” should become “/p Hi, I’m your tank. My AoE threat is piddly and requires rage to work SO KEEP YOUR FUCKING AOES IN YOUR PANTS and remember: stupidity = death. YOU PULL IT, YOU TANK IT. Now we kill.”

  4. #4 by crankyhealer on January 27, 2010 - 3:25 pm

    I let people like that enjoy the view from the floor. And then sit down to let my mana bar refill before the rez. I don’t actually DRINK, I just sit down. It takes longer that way.

  5. #5 by malleck on January 27, 2010 - 3:28 pm

    Trust me, it doesn’t get better at 80 tanking. Lots of Dork Knight tardlings out there.

  6. #6 by koalabear21 on January 27, 2010 - 3:34 pm

    What drives me nuts leveling as a healer in the random dungeons are the moron tanks who are even worse than the dipshit dps.

    They have already learned to just “go go go” and my mana regen as a level 30 priest DOES NOT EQUAL MY LEVEL 80 TREE!


    stupid low level dungeons

  7. #7 by Matojo on January 27, 2010 - 3:38 pm

    @koala – Stay back, take your time drinking while they keep pulling and wind up dead. Then, when they bitch about the lack of heals, say, “You see that blue bar below my green bar? Yeah? That’s my mana. When it’s low? I need to drink, which means you need to stop. No mana, no heals. No drinking? No heals. Learn. To. Tank.”

    … I’m kinda mean in pugs.

  8. #8 by Ambrosine on January 27, 2010 - 3:49 pm

    @malleck I HAVE TWO 80 TANKS I KNOW /sob

  9. #9 by Kaelandros on January 27, 2010 - 4:00 pm

    I’d just like to say, you make me laugh. Regularly. Thanks.

  10. #10 by youyankityoutankit on January 27, 2010 - 4:08 pm


  11. #11 by jtg on January 27, 2010 - 4:14 pm

    Pallies FTW! The dps cannot pull aggro if they try. IT IS HILARIOUS.

    /looks at 80 bear main


  12. #12 by blue on January 27, 2010 - 4:14 pm

    I have 2 tanks, which = zero patience at this point in the life of the LFG tool. 1st bad move (not mere jackin aggro, but pulling a whole new group, like while I’m waiting for healer mana to refill) gets a warning. I know, I’m a softie giving a warning. 2nd time I leave. It’s just not worth my time educate (argue with) morons.

  13. #13 by Alas on January 27, 2010 - 4:16 pm

    I start lowbie instances with the following message now: “I will not save you from your own stupid.”

    I find this is a handy attitude to have whether tanking or healing!

  14. #14 by LabRat on January 27, 2010 - 4:20 pm

    I started to *loathe* my groups before I even zoned in. So I took a two week break from tanking in pugs. After that I just took the “you pull it, you tank it, you continue to make my game not-fun by whining about it, I leave” line and I feel a lot better about it. It’s not natural to me to be the bitchy tank, but it’s the only way for me to be able to handle dipshits without blowing a vein and coating the office in blood and rage.

  15. #15 by Oasic on January 27, 2010 - 4:22 pm

    Good luck in there tonight!

  16. #16 by Hana on January 27, 2010 - 4:35 pm

    Unfortunately the last lowbie instance I ran didn’t suffer from dumb dps nearly so much as it suffered from a dumb tank. It was terrible waiting as long as I did for an overly cocky bear who wanted to chain pull SM Lib like he was in an 80 heroic with T10 gear.

    He was pulling whole ROOMs and sure he held aggro on them, but I’d go oom almost every pull. When he finally bit off more than he could chew he blamed my nub tree. I checked Recount and he took 22 hits between the last tick of Regrowth and when he died. That’s how many freaking mobs he had on him.

  17. #17 by Ambrosine on January 27, 2010 - 4:37 pm

    @Kaelandros – Thanks! I try. Someone should glean amusement from my suffering. :D

  18. #18 by koalabear21 on January 27, 2010 - 4:40 pm


    Trust me I already do that. I do it in every pug I heal.

    I am a very angry healer and am very vocal about being an angry healer. :D

  19. #19 by Ironstyrke on January 27, 2010 - 4:51 pm

    I’ve certainly noticed that the quality of play in lvl 80 heroics has been getting exponentially worse over the last week. As people get burned out on running heroics most groups are made up of rookies, people in their 43rd straight instance leveling like mad and alts who they assume work like their mains. Sadly this means a huge increase in the clueless and the classless.

    Unless I tank first thing in the morning its extremely rare that I’m not 1st or 2nd on recount. I don’t mind tanking for lower geared folks, just don’t yell at me to pull more mobs when your dps is at 2k or less.

    Its reached the point where I hope guildies are on to help me grab my 2 frost and then its time to stay the heck away from LFD. And I used to be the tank that would take all our dps on a run so they could skip the que.

  20. #20 by Joe Ego on January 27, 2010 - 5:16 pm

    Bears need to figure out a way to smuggle some rocket packs off the gunship. Black market AoE, GO!

    It would be like Consecration, but not nearly as awesome.

  21. #21 by Bhorg on January 27, 2010 - 5:16 pm

    What about the healers who can’t be bothered to remove poison, or abolish disease, or dispel magic?

    My tanks run into this both as lowbies and as 80.

    Hey, I know folks have alts, so I always remind them, “Hey there, can you remove this poison/magic/diease from me, since I am a warrior and cannot do it myself?” Almost always the answer is “I didnt notice that you had that debuff on you”. And the next time? And the next? When I run with guildie dps-ers I put up the /recount dispel list and the mage or shadow priest is usually out-doing the heals.


  22. #22 by nepenthe on January 27, 2010 - 5:17 pm

    So, yeah, first time to this blog and I read this. IT IS GREAT.

    Lvl 80 disc priest and mage and I’m tired of queues so I’m leveling my pally tank. First pull in Mana Tombs, which I’ve tanked a couple of times before (even a lowbie lvl 64 tank with all lvl 66 dps) and lose aggro immediately and the pull was just a mess. I explain stop attacking when I lose threat. Doesn’t change a thing. But, the tree healer and I stay and despite being the messiest instance ever, we made it through.

    So, I kept looking at recount and there was a lok doing 600 dps and I kept thinking he was pulling. No. He wasn’t. Here is the World of Logs report:


    Most notably, go here and click “Buffs cast”:


    YES, the hunter used Distracting Shot 98 times during the pug. 98 F’IN TIMES!!!

    Unfortunately, he’s not on my realm, so I can’t ignore him and never group with him again….

  23. #23 by Matheus on January 27, 2010 - 8:49 pm

    Do not tell me to “heal the tank”. I know he needs heals, I was busy debuffing those mobs you pulled onto him, putting HoTs on the DPS that were actually doing the job they were supposed to but were taking more damage than usual becaused of you. But maybe, just maybe I actually know what I’m doing. ya think? Nobody died yet…

    Oh yeah, and when I tell you to let the tank do his job and control the pulls, and you don’t listen? Welcome to my ignore list and NO MORE HEALZ 4 U.

  24. #24 by aveiceae on January 27, 2010 - 9:23 pm

    hahah this is why I don’t have a tank alt and probably never will >_<

  25. #25 by Brian Inman on January 27, 2010 - 10:16 pm

    Healing beats Tanking any day.

  26. #26 by Forreststump on January 28, 2010 - 8:22 am

    @Bhorg: I’m sure I’m saying something you already know, so this is for the uneducated masses reading this blog: each healer class has one (or more) debuff types that they cannot cleanse/dispel/remove. Remember to consider that when looking at the Dispel meter.

  27. #27 by Calrisian on January 28, 2010 - 9:18 am

    I personally .. love the squabbles between the dps doing something stupid and the snobby healer saying you did something stupid so no heals for you .. then the dps yelling at the healer for being a newb.. then healer yelling back .. WHILE we have 5 or 6 mobs beating on us, Me (the tank) yelling heal please .. stop fighting .. heal please.. heal please.. Lay On Hands.. Heal please .. For the love of effing god stop quarreling and heal please .. pop the fel health stone.. heal please… pop a health pot.. Shitbags dps the damn mobs and kill them or heal me .. rez please .. for the love of god .. its trash .. why are we wiping .. jackassery terribad, asshattery .. who is giving me 20 gold for my repair bill ..

  28. #28 by tytalus on January 28, 2010 - 11:02 am

    I’m glad I got some threat tips from a pallie mentor for my new prot tanker. I am just starting to tank heroics on her and in my first run yesterday, the healer ran ahead of me, got aggro and died. Not just the dps. A healer!

    At least she didn’t say anything, not one word…just popped back up and we continued.

    Yeah, the smart ones have finished their heroic binges. My prot pally’s set is the last badge gear I have to finish.

  29. #29 by Rades on January 28, 2010 - 1:02 pm

    I feel your pain Amber. I ran a random group WC as DPS today and the poor Pally tank, who I think was new, wasn’t “moving fast enough” for the heirloom-decked out Hunter who proceeded to pull constantly for the Paladin and just shoot whatever he felt like, and pet-tank it. He also started berating the tank for his pet having more HP than the tank. The worst part was IT WORKED FINE. The tank and I stopped dpsing altogether hoping to let the Hunter die but…he didn’t…he just kept pet-tanking his way through the instance. I left in disgust, feeling really bad for the poor little pally.

  30. #30 by Xlark on January 28, 2010 - 5:48 pm

    As a tank I completely feel your pain. I’ve actually had DPS say, “Well, you can handle it if pull stuff!”. And then I let them die and giggle. When I go into my daily one heroic I’m usually looking to get through as quickly and painlessly as possible but I will cheerily wait for them to be rezzed. No more good pally buffs after the first round though!

  31. #31 by Elena on January 28, 2010 - 6:29 pm

    I tank and I like to tank. But my lead in macro is “Hi Guys, I’m 10man raid geared and skilled BUT this is just a random pug. I’ll pull fast but not like a speed demon. Please don’t make me sweat blood to hold aggro, or I’ll go do something fun instead like scrub my bathroom again.”

    Then I in a tell assure the healer they should feel free to holler ‘Slow down!’ if I’m pushing the pace too hard. Generally this works, as I make the point its not about skillz it’s about my having any fun, or not.

    Gabrialle, Malfurion

  32. #32 by @valkyrierisen on January 30, 2010 - 9:58 am

    Last night I perfected my daily random pug speech. “If you want to tank, feel free to pull aggro. My taunt button will be broken, and my healer friend here will not heal you.” That after in a heroic AN the rogue&warrior ran in and pulled the first 2 mobs while we were buffing/greeting people. Thankfully those 2 learned their lesson and didn’t pull shenanigans again.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so beat down by the bad-group fuss. I love tanking! But I hope you have more fun healing. :)

  33. #33 by tanata on January 31, 2010 - 6:57 pm

    I blame damage meters. If blizz did two things temporarily; disabled the meters, and made mobs 1 shot dps…you’d see this problem cured. Granted…dungeons would take a lot longer, but cmon’ all it consists now of is some mage/lock spamming RoF or Blizz and the tank just spamming all the mobs they can.

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