Posts Tagged in which I mock people
Bingle: i might be late to raid
i backed my car into my garage and am having a guy come take a look at it tonight
danno how long that will take
me: lol, noob
Bingle: I KNOW
i don’t even know how it happened
me: The garage moved.
Obviously. It was totes in your blind spot.
Bingle: wel the garage door moved
mostly because i pressed the button
while i was still in the garage
and then proceeded to back out of the garage
me: Welcome to the Special Cookie Club. Have a seat.
Bingle: i ride the short bus.
me: The small seat in the back is miiiiiine
Bingle: oh gods.
i also made it worse
by trying to fix it
me: oh god, what did you do?
Did you use duct tape?
i tried to close it
and it worked
except it was crooked
so then i tried to kick it back in place
and another of the panels popped out of the rails
and then it wouldn’t open because it would get stuck halfway
so at that point i just gave up and came to work
I tank on 4 different toons for two reasons. Well, I do kind of enjoy tanking as well, but that’s beside the point.
1) Faster queues. Even a healer has to wait one or two WHOLE MINUTES for a group. What the fuck.
2) OH MY GOD, LOWBIE TANKS SO OFTEN SUCK.
By “suck” I don’t mean just generally fail at getting aggro. I mean suck as in not even TRYING to have decent gear. And by decent mear I mean “things even remotely suited for tanking”.
If you are a paladin and your gear consists of ungemmed Kara tanking epics, 1 random Kara epic DPS belt, and half SPELL POWER GEAR, some of which is LEATHER, then FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY WHY ARE YOU QUEUING AS A TANK.
NO. BAD PALADIN.
We wiped on the last boss of Utgarde Keep, twice, because there was no way I could pour my whole mana bar into him and keep everyone else alive at the same time. I have never mashed all my buttons so hard so fast in my entire tree life. Only to die.
I also had a DK in partial SP plate (WHY). I just…I…what is this I don’t even.
Since I run into many more bad tanks than bad healers, back to bear-LFDing I go.
MY SANITY, I MUST HAS IT.
Step 1: Spec into Small Person for lower Alcohol Resistance.
Step 2: Ask the co-GM and tankadin for one of his infamous versions of a screwdriver.
Step 3: After finishing that, ask the co-GM (who is, incidentally, Russian and thus has vodka for blood) for something that will “fuck you up”
Step 4: Drink it and then stumble into another room. Congrats, you got what you wanted and will have floor aggro for HOURS.
Step 5: Regret.
Step 6: Hangover.
I’m well familar with fail pugs, especially now that my tree is in that span of levels that throws shiny new DKs at me.
I’ve zoned in, in cat form, and had them pull before I could switch specs. Or regain mana. Or even switch to the proper gear. I’ve had them ignore my pleas for mana, chain pull as I try to drink, and then die and leave group in a huff. That’s almost normal for me at this point. I even had all of that in one group yesterday, but that’s not what I’m really posting about today…because that was not the Crowning Moment of Fail.
No, the crowning moment of fail came at the end of the instance, when I rolled on–and won–a ring.
What the fuck?! Man, I wish I was healing you with tree punches…to the face. It’s one thing to not know the nuances of classes I don’t play. I don’t even know the nuances of other specs of classes I DO play. But to insist that a resto druid doesn’t use spell power? What? Where have you been, sirrah?
“lol omg your gonna pull that one”
That one what? Have other people told you that rest druids use spell power before? Have you stopped to consider that IT MAY BE BECUASE THEY’RE FUCKING CASTERS AND USE FUCKING SPELLPOWER?
“I got a 80.” I KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT EVERYTHING, FUCK YEAH.
One time we were doing ToC25, and my little sister was killed by Icehowl’s charge. I openly mocked her, as was my sisterly duty. The very next time Icehowl charged, I died to it.
Did I learn from this karmic retribution?
Aww HELL no.
Last night we were clearing our way to Rotface, and we pulled one of the puppies. The puppies are always a bitch for reasosn unknown…no wait, I do know. We’re the guild that wipes on Gunship while one shotting everything else in Lower Spire-of COURSE the mini bosses are hard. Anyway. I see a tell-tale fail angel and teasingly tell the priest in question, Oasic, to Desperate Prayer more.
You see where this is going, right? Of course you do.
AS MY PTT BUTTON IS STILL DOWN, AND I AM STILL TALKING SMACK, I died.
Mad skills. I have them.
1) Gem your fucking gear.
Look, we’ve all gotten a new peice and looked at our funds and cringed. In the very least, toss a blue-quality gem in there. If you don’t have the funds to gem it yet, then…don’t wear it. If I look at you and see multiple ungemmed pieces, though, I’m going to be slightly irked in your direction. I don’t care if it’s “just a heroic”, that’s plain fucking lazy. Dailies, go do them for golds.
1b is naturally ENCHANT your shit (at least, your good epic shit). Even if you get +8 stats instead of +10 because +10 is OMG exepnsive, it shows some effort on your part. If you don’t enchant your ilevel 200 gear…okay. But your 245 pants? Proooobably worth at least putting something on. Some day you might want to do something more than get carried through shit.
2) Interrupt your chain heroics to repair, or you might end up looking kind of dumb like me.
3) Ditto that but with ammo and reagents.
4) Don’t forget the part where you at least try to spec, gear, and perform with some semblence of knowledge. Those can be an evolving process, but seriously? EMPTY GEM SOCKETS ARE AN EASILY SOLVED PROBLEM.
This post brought to you by lingering butthurt over losing the polearm to a huntard with full…ungemmed…t9. But also laughing at myself (see point 2).
Josh wants to work on his DK’s gear, so I volunteered to tank for him-as a DPS, nothing beats having a tank buddy for insta-queues. My paladin could still use some badge gear, as I do use her for Ulduar hard mode tanking.
As always, I am…quite vocal while tanking. Josh is treated to a slew of commentary, usually along the lines of “You know, I can hold the aggro on that caster over there just fine IF YOU DON’T FUCKING TOUCH IT YOU FUCKING MORON!” and “I guess the concept of waiting until I position the mobs is entirely foreign to you.”
In one particular Halls of Lightning run, I was pulling conservatively. Not only do I tend to this out of habit, but the group had already proven that they couldn’t keep their trigger happy mitts off single mobs I was dragging.
This does, however, often leave me faced with mana problems-I’m usually running around sans a piece of armor and using Seal of Wisdom. This was the case in HoL, but things had gone mostly smoothly. I say mostly because we did have some cases of Oh Look The Melee Died, but that was mostly the rogue not realizing that running out of The Bad was generally better for his health.
I would also like to note that the only time I had issues with aggro was when Josh ended up in Frost Presence. Yet for some reason, as we’re clearing the trash to Loken, I get a whisper from the warlock.
“Did you know that Seal of Vengeance does more threat?”
I halted. All sorts of surprise and sarcasm welled forth (“No shit?”), but I managed a polite, “I know, but I’m overgeared to the point where I have mana problems in old heroics, so use Wisdom.” And unable to help myself, I pointed out Vengeance is not the seal to use on trash, regardless. Mobs don’t live long enough for the stacks to be really useful.
…so they oh so helpfully told me I should chain pull.
“Ah,” I said, “but I’ve learned I can’t always trust the DPS to behave in random heroics, making chain pulling difficult.” I continue to boggle at how much some people struggle with the concept of letting the tank position mobs.
I got a non-committal response with a : \ face.
…then I whined to Josh that I was being told how to tank, and he initiated a vote-kick for the person. /facepalm
I’m just wondering why the hell someone would feel compelled to try to tell me how to play when I’m not having any fucking problems. The rogue died when all the slag mobs exploded? Not due to threat on my part. The DK and the rogue died on the lightning crackly boss because they can’t get out of the fucking way? Not my problem. I even generally held all the trash, so I’m not sure why this stranger on the internet felt compelled to tell me I was using the “wrong” seal when anyone who actually plays a fucking pally tank would know exactly why I was using Wisdom.
How about you don’t make an already timid tank second guess herself further by keeping your fucking mouth shut?
Oh by the way, did you know that you shouldn’t use fear in an instance? It’s really annoying.
Brotherhood of Oblivion: failing where we should succeed, and suceeding where we should fail!
On Thursday night we had two potential recruits listening on vent. This meant one thing for sure: the night was going to go to hell.
I hummed to myself and made some flower wreaths for the handbasket.
First of all, Tim, one of our intrepid DPSers, had himself a non-working OS because he’s just clever like that. Cranky Tank mosied over across the street to fix it before raid time…and bricked the mother board.
Slick, my love.
So we’re down a tank, a DPS, and…our other tank, as Steve’s computer is drafted while they try to fix Tim’s. This leaves us our tank with strength gems in his gear and Andy, who’s been retired from tanking for awhile.
Right, so, no continuing ICC25 for us! 14 manning Naxx25 for the weekly raid quest seems like a splendi…
…Hunt just pulled an extra spider pack and we wiped. Okay. Well, let’s recover from that and go on to Anub, shall we?
Anub is easy sauce, it should just be a matter of-
…did we all just die? We all just fucking died!
Well, Steve’s here now, let’s 15 man it, then. We magically succeed this time, and reform into an ICC 10. Steve wants to bring his warlock and the warlock wants to bring his shaman. For some reason I say what the hell, and off we go.
To wipe on Marrowgar.
Well, fuck. Okay. So we regroup and stomp him into the ground, and then proceed to…wipe on Lady Deathwhisper after one of the tanks unexpectedly goes down to a Hulk.
(Me, mid raid: are those big green things wearing purple shorts? Raid: Yes. Me: …)
So we regroup again, down the Lich Bitch, and head to Gunship! One of the tanks dies on the way because I paused to eat chocolate. Mm, chocolate. Okay, so, we get to gunship and…
…the warlock smears himself on the deck, because that’s what warlocks do. The DPS left loses control of the adds on that ship, the tank goes down, and we…wipe on Gunship.
We wipe on the mother fucking boat!
This does lead to the amusing discovery that you don’t die if you’re in a cannon. This comes in handy for when we make our-by this point required-wipe on Saurfang (at something like 4% even). Yes, I ran the fuck away from the boss to hide in a cannon. This was after yelling at the rogue and hunter for hiding in the cannons when they can get out of death some other way. Bitches! MY WAY TO CHEAT DEATH GTFO.
So after dying our way through farm content, will all sorts of insanity on vent, you’d think the recruits would be smart and run away, right?
…no, they went ahead and transferred.
I invited them in the middle of our third wipe in an all guild Heroic CoS.
Yes, we even failed at H CoS (did you know that if you do the gaunlet without talking to Arthas, talking to him makes more elites spawn? Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaah don’t send your healer).
I love my guild. I don’t always know why, but I love them.
Dear Fail Bear,
Asking if everyone knew the fight, given that it was Oc and most people bail first chance they get, was good. Announcing “pulling” into the silence that followed when everyone wasn’t even back on their mounts yet was silly (many other questions will be ignored, but usually a ‘ready?’ will garner a hurried response if not). Trying to vote kick me because I suggested that you ask before pulling (again: “pulling” =/= asking or a ready check) is silly, especially as your healer is my guildmate. You are probably not going to succeed, and the person you tried to vote kick will know about it.
Check guild tags, yo.
The cheeky hunter
Your turn! Later today, if luck is with me, the Saurfang strat will go up.
lol thanks for the help now get the fuck out of my instance
Way to leave right before a boss in VH. Heaven forbid you have to deal with people who recently dinged 80. I know VH is SO HARD to heal, especially when we’re still keeping up with portals and no one has even come close to dying yet. Fuck you.
Congrats, Coldsin, you’re the only decent person I pugged with all weekend. Rehabilitate, you’re a douchenozzle. One of these days you’re going to run into mobs with your impatient darting ahead of the tank, and I hope they let you die. Please spec out of disc so that you don’t shame my kind anymore.