Posts Tagged in which I mock people

The Joys of Random Pugging

Edit: Broken recount is broken.  So let’s address the rest of the fail, because that’s still perfectly valid.  :P

If you don’t know an instance, speak up.   Better you ask than have your healer screaming obscenities at you IRL.  I mean sure, I’ll wonder inwardly how the hell you don’t know NEXUS, but that’s better than calling you a douchenozzle becuase you’re making my life insanely difficult, right?  I’ve had several cases of DPS wiping groups because they didn’t know fights already (though it makes more sense in the new heroics).  Bwuh?  ASK, PEOPLE.  At least for the new heroics, I stop and ask if people know the fights first.  If you don’t answer and then wipe us with something stupid, I’m going to be pissy. 

If a boss has spell reflect, it behooves you to notice your own dots stacking up on you and STOP.  PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP.  If you keep taking a ton of damage, your healer is screaming JUMP at you in party, and you notice a stacking debuff?  Yeah.  Do it.  Please.

Speaking of heroic fails, my lovely tank healing, high crit, low haste build?  Yeah, it fucking sucks for heroics.  Oh the normal ones are fine, but if you get in the new ones with even a semi-derp derp group?  Yeah, kiss your sanity goodbye.  You can’t have low DPS in there.  You just can’t.  I know this because I tried.  And I couldn’t just group kick because they were guildies.  Bwuh.

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Dear Horde of Azgalor,

Dear Horde Of Azgalor That Keep Fucking With Me While I Camp Loque,

Fuck off and die.

No love,

That BM Hunter

Dear Rogue That I Killed Even With My Level 76 Trash Pet,

Look, I know this is a novel concept for a rogue player, but try actually sneaking up on me, okay?  Don’t drop down in FRONT OF ME, then vanish, because then I’m just like “…” and  then I kick your ass.  Also, when a hunter starts kiting you in circles it might be time to walk away.  Just saying.

Loling At You,

The Fail PvP Hunter

Dear Warrior,

See note to rogue about when a hunter starts kiting you in circles.



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How to PROPERLY Place Blame

I was sitting there innocently wasting time in Twitter instead of blogging or working on my Nano outline when lo, this post came to my attention.  I read it over and immediately noticed a massive problem: he was always blaming the wrong people.  I decided that it was my DUTY to set the record straight.

ETA: Don’t forget to check out other versions here and here.

Here, then, is a CORRECTED version of Mortigan’s list:

Amber’s Totally Fair and Unbiased Guide to Placing the Blame for Wipes

Cause of Wipe: The tank appears to be losing aggro left and right! 
Person to Blame:  The DPS
Possible Solutions:  First, cuss at them a lot and remind them to LOOK AT OMEN.  If they would just LOOK AT OMEN, then we wouldn’t have this problem.  CLEARLY, any and all aggro issues lay at the feet of the DPS.  I mean, they’re making it, right?  Totally their problem.  If that doesn’t work, take away the shamans weapons and make him DPS with mining picks.*

Cause of Wipe: The tank dies.
Person to Blame:  The DPS
Possible Solutions:  Clearly, the tank died because the DPS took too long to kill the boss and the healer went OOM.

Cause of Wipe: Boss immediately ignores tank and 1-shots the DPSers.
Person to Blame:  DPS
Possible Solutions:  Uh, DON’T STAND THERE, tardbuckets.

Cause of Wipe: The healer dies.
Person to Blame:  The DPS
Possible Solutions:  Misdirect onto the tanks correctly, hunters, or drop a frost trap!  AoE the adds down quicker! 

Cause of Wipe: The adds are killing everyone.
Person to Blame:  The DPS
Possible Solutions:  If you KILLED the adds then they couldn’t kill  YOU.  See also: previous wipe.  Alternatively, if you weren’t standing in fires all the time, the healers would still have mana with which to heal your legitimate ailments.

Cause of Wipe: The DPS is too low, and the boss enrages.
Person to Blame:  …the DPS!

Cause of Wipe:  People don’t know the fights.
Person to Blame:  the DPS
Possible Solutions:  Tanking and healing are very similar from fight to fight.  CLEARLY, if the strats are being mucked up it’s the DPS’s fault, because they don’t know what the hell they’re doing!  Go read strats, nubs!

*We honestly did this back in Kara.

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Hold on, the llama got out.

The Amber is displeased.  Why is the Amber displeased?  Because I hate people getting their panties in a twist and ragequitting without, you know, discussing shit.  When we post proposed changes on the officer forum and ask for your input, then we want your input.  We do NOT want you to hike up your skirts, scream that you don’t like us anymore, and leave. 

You want to do that, then fine, get your childish ass out of my mother fucking guild and good riddance.  If you truly don’t like the way things are going, why don’t you sit down and discuss it?  Concerned about new guild ranks diminishing the importance of people who don’t raid?  Well, how about some alternatives?  Where’s your ideas?  I want your ideas.  I don’t want your poorly typed out LJ-style flounce post.

We are not “ruining a social guild”.  We are trying to shape up a raiding guild.  Raiding, see that?  Raaaaiiiiidiiiiiing.  Raiding requires a certain amount of skill and discipline. Oh, and time investment.  Do we have people in the guild who can’t play worth a shit?  Well, yeah.  But they’re friends and we love them and they hang out and occasionally we shove purples at them from a farming run.  Do we have people in the guild who are skilled but can hardly run with us?  Yes, and we miss them terribly, and squee with joy every time they DO get the chance to join us.  Do we have good people who ARE here all the time, and are thus the raiding core?  ….why yes, yes we do.  We have and love all those kinds of people and we always have and we always will.  Do the casuals really need full bank access to our raiding flasks and a Core Raider title?  …no.

One of the most sissy of the flouncers actually told us that we didn’t have a good raiding core to build from.  Wait, what?  What the hell am I, chopped liver?  Kyr?  Zoja?  Mach?  Harryotter?  Huntres?  All those other people who do their job and do it well?  And since when were we a social guild?  What the fuck were we doing in Burning Crusade, having tea parties in SSC?  I don’t remember tea parties, I remember tanking some mother fucking bosses and winning some mother fucking loot in a MOTHER FUCKING RAIDING GUILD.

So excuse me, I’m going to go recruit some more RAIDERS for our RAIDING GUILD.  Then we are going to run some RAIDS.  During said RAIDS, we are going to be SOCIAL and make fun of Mikata because it’s easy, and Harryotter is going to die and we’ll lol at him, and Zoja is going to pick on Huntres, and it’ll be fun.  WHILE RAIDING. 

So congrats, two officers who seldom participated anyway.  Your previous contributions to the guild that once earned you your titles are missed, but shall no longer carry you through this expansion.  You flounced.  Now those of us who actually do the work these days will…uh…continue doing the work.  So uh…nothing has changed, really, except that we’ll proceed with shifting the guild ranks and bank permissions with fewer badly typed rage posts on the forums*.


*My rage posts involve capital letters and spell check.

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Hey Mikata…

I was bitching that I didn’t get a rez after a wipe from our soul stone hogging tree…



No really? Amber gets sarcastic.

WTB Spellcheck


Imagine all this taking place between a guy who sounds rather stoned, and officers who sound slightly sarcastic.

“I thought we were doing 25s…why aren’t we doing 25s?”

“‘Cause…we only had 16 sign ups?”

“Oh…why don’t people sign up?”

“…I don’t fucking know.”

“They should sign up!  Not signing up is…bad!”


We really have these conversations with guildies, people.  We really do. 





Also, it is really hard to heal when my cat is not only in my lap, but resting her paws on my boobs, kneading them, and trying to rub her cheek against my nose.  Yes HELLO Vesta.  I SEE you.  I kind of can’t MISS you. 

Sometimes, you die because I let you.  And sometimes, you die because my cat is letting me know my priorities in life are clearly fucked up…


lol bye

We had a bunch of new recruits that joined en masse quit lately, because they “didn’t feel included.”  Well now!

I thought it would be beneficial to go over a few helpful ideas to help one and ones friends mesh when joining a larger guild as a group.

1) Don’t all sit in your own vent channel.  Mingle.
2) If you join a raiding guild to raid, you might want to try to sign up for raids. 
3) The message board is not there to look pretty. Use it.

If you proceed to isolate yourselves in your little clique, then you might not feel included. Just sayin’.  Also, when I say sign up for raids, I mean sign up for raids outside of out Naxx25 farm runs.  There’s this stuff called progression content?  That we mostly focus on?  Yeah…sign up for those.  Only two of those people up there ever signed up for Ulduar.  Two!  So all in all, we lost…very little…when they gquit.


He will...bite...your shin?

They turned…my pet…into…a leper gnome…


Dear Blizzard Gear Designers,

Did you know that male draenei are barrel chested?  And that female draenei like to stick out their boobs?   …you did?  I see.  Then uh…why didn’t you take this into account for the priest gear?



@Arrens and cohorts:

Distinct Lack of Fail Angel

Distinct Lack of Fail Angel on My Part


in ur past messin with ur mind

in ur past messin' with ur mind

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Enrage in 3…2…1

I hold myself to high standards.  These standards bleed over onto the people around me, especially if they are fellow officers in my guild.  Remember-I am the recruitment officer.  I want to polish up the turd delightfully quirky mix of people that is my guild so that I can “sell” it to other people. 

Don’t say the words “it’s just Naxx”.  Just don’t.  It’s not “just Naxx”, it’s several hours of my time.  It’s several hours of 24 other people’s time, and this isn’t a pug-this is a guild run.  With several new guildies we would like to retain, which means, don’t be fucking lazy.  You weren’t listening to vent and had music turned up?  The requests for buffs were put in raid chat, several times.  You were sitting there playing with your dick and hitting the Holy Light button and not reading raid?  You have Pally Power-use it.  Is that box not the right color?  Click on it, and it’ll do the buffs for you!  Don’t laze your way through a class and spec I know and then act surprised when I call you on it.   People are rabid about their paladin buffs.  Rabid.  Don’t want to waste reagents when all of the melee dies on every trash pull in the Military Quarter?  Right click does baby buffs!  Holy shit!

You do realize that they are yelling at me for buffs because I am also a paladin, right?  And that when I have my buffs properly given out I don’t want to be nagged constantly because someone think I’m your fucking mother?

My position in this guild is not “Chief Nag”, here to make the rest of you do your jobs, even when your job is just not being a lazy ass paladin.  And don’t pull the “Well FINE just replace me and I’ll go PvP” bullshit ’cause that’s real fucking mature.

Speaking of maturity: I will not copy and paste this into the officer forums…I will not copy and paste this into the officer forums…I will not copy and paste this into the officer forums…

I will just post calling Randy a douche

Now I must go post a short, polite, reasoned explantion why I was so irritated last night…

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Driving Me to Drink

Last night, we finished off our Naxx25.  Although I missed a boss due to an alarm going off in my apartment, I grabbed new shoulders and a helm.  But god damn it I earned that loot.

Apparently I can’t tank Sapph.  I tried twice and he just went OM NOM NOM NOM LOL I KEEL JOO.   Therefore I stood around tossing prot heals (she’s not dual spec)  and muttering under my breath about how I thought I wasn’t healing on this toon ever again, damn it!  Then came KT.

Oh, KT.

Nothing drives me BATTIER than chain FBs amongst the ranged.  I ended up using Amber’s Thinly Vieled I Am About To Kill You All Voice, which I’ve been told comes off as condescending.  Very well then-I’m condescending when you all waste my time by dying because you can’t download a fucking addon to make up for the fact that you can’t fucking find where to stand.  And when you DO find a place to stand and the people around you aren’t mysteriously having to shift over to get out of the way then STAND THE FUCK STILL.  The only reason you should budge from your safe cozy spot is an Ouchy Red Thing.  No Ouchy Red Thing?  Don’t fucking move.   If we wipe several times over stupid shit and the same mage’s name keeps popping up amongst chained FBs and your OT announces over vent that she’s going to go spike her lemonade now, you’re doing it wrong.

(For the record, Wild Strawberry Liquor + Amarretto + Lemonade does make frustrating wipes a little better). 

Not everyone needs to have eleventy billion addons to raid well-but if you raid with us at all, at least get DBM, for fuck’s sake.  The whole “don’t stand near people” is not a new mechanic, and it’ll crop up again, even if you don’t care for the other alerts (but you should because they’re great).  This is pet peeve dating back from C’thun attempts, where one of our priests refused to get any addons and so was always standing too close to me.  I’d move, he’d move.  I’d move again, he’d move again.  I’d move and aww, fuck, now I’m too close to a couple of people and OMG EYEBEAM BLAM LOL RAID DEAD ELEVENTY BILLION DAMAGE TO YOU.

“Why the fuck did we die?”


The two seem to go hand in hand.  The people with their little ranged box?  Find a clear spot and stay.  People without it?  Seem to be twitchy as hell.  I can think of two people offhand that are guildmates of mine who don’t have it, and those two people are ones I spent a good bit of the fight adjusting around.  I mean I wouldn’t CARE so much if they had it and stood still!  Then they could find their spot and we could find our spots and it would be okay!  But nooo.  I will NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE GOD FORSAKEN GROUND, PEOPLE.

…and that is your angry healer tank rant of the day.

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Letters from Ulduar

Dear ___: Open Letters To My Guild Mates, or Why Amber Goes Insane

Dear DPS on Iron Council,

Don’t stand over there.  I can’t heal you.  I kind of need to stand near my tank, and my tank kind of needs to stand over here.

Okay, so you’re now standing in such a way that my green box is lit up.  I can heal you and you can stop bitching about not getting heals.  Cool!  …do you wanna come closer for Power Infusion? 

Sometimes we’re kinda busy, and when dickhead over there refuses to move out of the blue circle and starts shitting lightning everywhere, it’s…well…ouchy.  But our holy priest has this nifty thing called a lightwell!  It’s sitting right there!  …why is the holy pally the only one near it?

…I still can’t reach you with PI, you know.  Oh well, your DPS loss.  I’ll keep it for myself.

…why the fuck are you all the way on the opposite side of the room again?

Weeping silently, on the inside,
-your healer


Dear DK Tank,

I’m standing on the left.  You keep running away from Overload (or whatever)…to the right.  WHY?
I have a heart attack every time your box goes gray.

Weeping less silently on the inside now,
-your healer


Dear Josh,

My beloved.  You have tanked for me for years.  I am comfortable with your ways.  I know you are a clever, clever tank-one who will use his cooldowns, not run out of range, wait for my mana, and gather up all the adds that love to come give me hugs.


Is well past weeping and now sobbing,
-your healer*
*this is a post in and of itself


Dear GM,

No, I don’t want to heal without replen on Iron Council.
No, I really don’t.
Yes, my mana bar does get kicked in the nuts.
Yes, it is kind of important. 
No, I don’t think that having the Surv hunter go MM to help the DK tank kick that damn boss out of the blue runes will make up for the lack of replen. 
The whole instance is designed ar-

-your healer


Dear fellow priest,

Thank you, Ron, for displaying mana regen meters and explaining to Mach why no replen is Bad.  I will refrain from killing people for yet another day.

Love and butterflies,
-the bubble dispenser


And last but not least, a tidbit from the Hodir attempts:
“Why the hell did you die like that, Atropus?”
“…oh!  I wasn’t jumping!”

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The Failpriest and the Dumbadin

Thankyou, Blog Azeroth, for giving me something to write about.

Signs of a Failpriest:
-They don’t cleanse anything – ever
-Your holy priest is spamming Gheal on the tank when there’s better tank healers in the raid
-A priest using Lesser Heal at 80 
-A disc priest without Penance in their top 3 heals
-A disc priest who doesn’t bubble
-A priest who doesn’t even know they HAVE shackle
ETA:  -Disc priests who don’t glyph bubble

…all of those things are either events I have witnessed personally, or events I have seen screen shots of.  WHY, people?! 

A Dumbadin, on the other hand, can be harder to spot.  I mean, how do you mess up a holy pally?  You’re generally on the tank, and you have three heals-the Big Heal, the Little Heal, and Holy Shock.  If he’s taking a lot of damage, you use the Big Heal.  If he’s not, use the Little Heal.  If you need and OMG NAO!!!! heal, use holy shock.  Keep Sacred Sheild up and sometimes toss Bacon on the OT.  Those are the VERY BASICS of healadininining-iti s not hard!  HOW DO YOU FUCK THAT UP?

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