Dear DPS in Full PVP Gear

ETA: If you can go into a heroic in pvp gear and do 15k DPS, this post is not about you.  Also, there’s a line between “I am a PVPer stepping into PvE content” and “I’m a PvEr who bought these blues off the AH when I dinged 85 and didn’t bother to reforge, gem, or enchant anything, so that I could have random people carry me through heroics.” It is the latter who have sparked my ire.

Dear DPS in Full PVP Gear,

Look, I realize that using PVP gear to cheese the ilevel requirements is a quick and easy way into the new heroics. Really, I do–see my own pvp shoulders?  But please understand one thing: the heroics themselves will not be quick and easy while you’re limping along doing less than half of the DPS of everyone else. 9k is not an acceptable amount of DPS.

You can’t count on some uber DPS trying to cap VP coming along and carrying your sorry, lazy ass. Murphy’s Law states that you will be tossed in a group with all or one of the following:

• other DPS doing the exact same thing and sucking just as hard
• someone on an alt still figuring out WTF they are doing
• some fucking idiot who thinks that wearing half healing and/or tanking gear to DPS is somehow fucking hunky dory
• someone with 2 FPS
• someone with perfectly good gear who is just That Guy who is terrible no matter what

And then things won’t die fast at all and your healer will run out of mana healing these super long fights while the 2 fps guy stands in bad and OH GOD THE PAIN WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Newsflash: the normal heroics are STILL IN THE GAME.

GO FUCKING RUN THEM YOU LAZY ASS COCKKNOB.

Get some other heroic loot and some JP stuff and then maybe, just maybe, you can fucking SUPPLEMENT your shit with pvp gear to cheese the last bit of ilevel, okay?

BUT YOU REALLY CAN’T WEAR JUST PVP GEAR AND NOT MAKE ME WANT TO RIP OUR YOUR ANUS VIA YOUR THROAT.

Welcome to 2012. Nothing has changed.

After I asked, in exasperation, for the paladin doing 10k DPS to gem his gear after we were done:

 

The funny thing is I didn’t see him in any healer gear. I saw him in TANK gear…but not…healing gear.  I…I don’t even.

We won’t even touch the rogue in mostly PVP blues doing 9k. Actually, yes we will. HIS crowning moment was saying, after our first tank dropped in disgust (I was their second healer): “Oh thank god he left, I’ve been trying to kick him since the first boss.”

I could marinate in the irony.

Instead I am indeed going to cry myself to sleep, despite only needing 50 more VP to get new boots.

You are doing WHAT to my ice cubes?

MMO-Champ, in their merry datamining, dug up a teensy little change that none the less causes much flailing on my end: a 1.5 second cast time on hungering cold, which is currently instant.

Let’s do a quick review of what I use my beloved ice cubes for, shall we?

-a spell interrupt when my others are on cooldown (PvE and PvP)
-a way to stop spinny mobs of doom (PvE)
-an emergency “oh god this mob got loose HERE TANK GET IT” form of “CC” (PvE)
-a way to really piss off horde that are going for the same mining node I am (PvP) (MAI PYRITE BITCHES)
-A way to protect the flag carrier from being hounded  (PvP)
-an AoE interrupt (o hai Cho’gal worshippers)
-Randomly, just to confuse people and to bring me delight (PvE and PvP!)

I may have forgotten something, but that is my general list of Things I Use Hungering Cold for as a frost DK. I use it a lot and love it to death. It’s also, importantly, a mandatory talent–you need it to pick up Howling Blast at the end of the tree.

Do you know how many of those uses are compatible with a cast time of 1.5 seconds?

None of them. Not a single god damned one. Except maybe the confuse and delight one, but then it would throw off my rotation more and this reduce my DPS and precious e-peen.

What the fuck, Blizz?

You can go ahead and nix that change right now.  >:|

Conspiracy Theories, Part 2

Yes.  After reconvening and finding us down a DPS, we weren’t able to move on becuase we couldn’t add anyone to our raid ID.   Everyone got a fresh instance.

>:|

>:|

Fuck you too, Blizz.

Why Spirit Beasts Are Rage Inducing

Despite my new Survival off spec, I am still BM4LYFE.  The one pet that I have been after, for months and months and months…has been Loque.  I have seen him once, moments after he was tamed by another hunter.   

Why Spirit Beasts Are Rage Inducing #1
There’s several (SEVEN FOR LOQUE OH MY GOD WHY) mother fucking spawn points scattered across a large zone for all but 1 of them.

Seriously, Blizz?  I once spent a good, oh I don’t know, 7 hours camping Humar back in the day when he was more than just a pretty skin.  It wasn’t too onerous becuase I sat in one spot and entertained myself with friends while we waited.  He had only one spawn–I’d know the moment he popped and also the moment I missed him, if someone else beat me to the punch.  Even if I didn’t get him it wasn’t the end of the world–I’d have a good idea of when to come back and could safely wander off in the meantime and pretend to have something better to do.

You can’t do that with the spirit beasts.  Take Loque.  There’s so many spawn points for him, scattered so widely across the zone, that you can miss him and not even know it.  Did someone just tame him?  Are you wasting your time with no chance for him to spawn?  Did you move on just a smidge too soon?  The other hunter in the zone left–did he get him, or give up?  Did that belfadin who has been killing you repeatedly while he mines kill him out of spite?

You can never tell…so YOU MUST KEEP LOOKING. 

….FOREVER.

Why Spirit Beasts Are Rage Inducing #2

You’ve been hunting for hours.  Finally, you spot him–your moonfiring quarry.  You start to tame and….oh no.  Oh no.  FUCK.  FUCK.  GOD DAMN IT ALL TO HELL.

Tames can be fucked with.  People are jerks.  End of story.

Why Spirit Beasts Are Rage Inducing #2.5

Making Loque part of the Frostbitten achievement was a cruel move, Blizzard.  Fuck you sideways.

Why Spirit Beasts Are Rage Inducing #3

You will find and tame every spirit beast but the one you want.

I’m 2/4, if you’re wondering. 

Friday Flowchart For Serious!

Since Amber can’t concentrate on making a flowchart, I will!

Hi, my name is Ori and paladin buffing sends me into a HULK SMASH rage. It … flames. FLAMES on the side of my FACE.

I hope that clears things up. I don’t like it when paladin buffs make me mad, but sometimes I have to be rough so that everyone will learn. Come hug me so I can return to rainbows and sparkles Ori.

Also, if you are a paladin and you don’t have Pally Power, I am never speaking to you again. Ever. So there.

How Blizzard Ruined Shadow Priests

I have an evil evil plot in the works that I did not get to finish last night…TOMORROW, you shall behold my evil.  Until then, I’m just going to talk about how I am a silly magpie, and how Blizzard nearly ruined shadow priesting for me.

You see, I’m not really….girly.  But I do like things that are bright and shiny, so spells like penance and holy nova are Awesome Fun Toys.  In hindsight, paladins have some of the most disappointing spells EVER.  I mean, okay, Sacred Shield can be kind of shiny, but shouldn’t beacon be a BEACON?  You know?  A BEACON OF LIGHT?  A BRIGHT SHINING PILLAR OF LIGHT?

I’ll never forgive Blizzard for failing me in that regard, just as I’ll never forgive them for what they did to my favorite Shadow Priest toy right next to Mind Sear. 

THEY RUINED DISPERSION.  It used to be that you’d turn into a FUN LITTLE BALL OF DARKNESS!!!!!!  Now you’re just…er…more…dark?  What? 

NO, BLIZZARD.

UTTER FAIL.

I can’t be a bouncing ball of inky evilness now!  This has totally ruined the spell and thus ALMOST RUINED SHADOW PRIESTING for me.

Don’t you DARE mess with my mind sear, or I’m going to have to do something drastic like…GO HOLY for my second spec, and we don’t want THAT to happen ever again.

I AM PUTTING YOU ON NOTICE BLIZZARD.

5 Things Your Pug Healer Wants You To Know

/wave to Altadin for the tank version.
There’s also a general DPS, mage, and DK version.  I copied first though, damn it!

1. Just because I have good gear does not mean you can be stupid.
Yes, my priest is solidly decked out.  No, this doesn’t mean you can do whatever the hell you want.  I can keep a tank up through most things a 5 man can dish out, but if the DPS is standing in bad?  Uh, no.  I’m a high crit, low haste disc priest healer set up for raid tank healing.  I am not set up to deal with all 5 of you trying to die at once.  Cut it the fuck out.

2. If you insist on running too far ahead of me, running out of range/line of sight, don’t get upset when you die.  It’s your own damn fault.

3. My mana bar is not your fucking buffet table.  I don’t want to have to run in after a wipe, buff, go OOM, drink, then have to heal you lazy gits and drink again.  Half the time we don’t have a mage so I’m using purchased water, so you can purchase some fucking food.  My own guildies were doing this to me last night and I wanted to slap them.  The only person who can get away with that level of lazy is Cranky Tank.  Unless you, too, are fucking your healer, don’t do it!  And then you’d better be good, because lazyness plus lousy sex is just fucking terrible.

4. Don’t pull aggro on mobs, then feign/soul shatter/cock ice block next to your healer.  I don’t want it, either, you dipshit!

5.  Don’t stupidly pull aggro on the waves of trash on the Two Dudes fight in HoR.
‘Cause then you almost die, and I panic and heal you, so they aggro on ME and then I die and we wipe AGAIN and just what the fuck hold on a god damn second will you?  Kthx.

BONUS 6. When it says “stop DPS” then you should STOP DPS…because usually, continuing DPS means you’re killing one of your team mates.  Seriously WTF?  No.  Here’s the secret: I CAN heal through stupid some of the time, I just choose not to. Okay?  Okay.  Don’t make me lose my penance button.

How To Express An Opinion Without Being A Dick II

Dear Children Masquerading As Raiders And Even Officers In My Guild,

Can you grow the fuck up?  Look, I realize that So and So has an opinion you don’t agree with.  I realize that he has all the tact of a 16 year old in the middle of an emo fit with his parents sometimes.  But that doesn’t mean that you have carte blanche to turn around and act 5, instead. You can damn well put your epeens away and cut out the snide remarks.  It doesn’t help, and it doesn’t make you look better, nevermind right.  And when two of you are officers and in the middle of a raid, you really have no fucking excuse.

God damn, people.

Maybe said person needs to be removed from the guild, maybe he just causes too much strife because we’re not a good fit for him but, damn.  Again, not permission to act like children yourselves.   You can take your dodge/parry/stam stacking bloodshed somewhere else, and not during raid time.

RAWR.

-Angry Healer with the GM Hat

I KNOW ALREADY!

Dear Tank,

I know you need heals.  I see that your green bar is less green than it should be.

I know you have aggro.  There is a red outline around the square with your name in it.

I know you have stacks of the debuff on you, there’s a wee little icon with a wee little number in it on my UI.

In other words, I KNOW, SHUT THE FUCK UP, CLEAR VENT FOR SHIT WE DON’T ALREADY KNOW. 

From now on, any time you say “heal me!” I will repond equally inanely with “TPS the boss!”

No love,
The person who assigned individual healers to each tank, and was assigned to you and doing nothing but heal you…no, really

P.S.,

This isn’t the first time I’ve written a letter just like this for you.  WTF?